How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

Long distance relationships are not uncommon but we’ve all heard the old wives tale that they never work. They can be hard—trust issues happen more easily when you can’t be with your partner—but that doesn’t mean that your LDR is doomed. In fact, if you’re both willing to put in the work, your cross-zip code love can lead to a lasting commitment.

We asked women in long distance relationships how they’re making it work—from having a regular Netflix date to sending each other photos daily to playing online games together, here’s how to make a long distance relationship work from the women who have actually been there.

Have a shared calendar

“We have a shared calendar and schedule quality time over video chats, which we treat like serious dates. But we live in two different cities with a major time difference, so that can get difficult to schedule. “A shared calendar allows us to keep track of what the other is up to and when they’ll be free and helps us plan accordingly. We also enjoy playing low-commitment games together like Words With Friends whenever we have a spare moment throughout the day.”
—Ashley, 31

Create a tradition

“When my (now) husband Rob and I met, we lived 90 mins away from each other. Although it isn’t a terrible distance, I worked full-time and went to grad school full-time so I didn’t have much time for dating. What worked for us was writing in a journal that I bought as a Christmas gift two week weeks after we met. It documents our relationship. Even now, my husband will take it with him on business trips to write to me when he’s away. Obviously, we’ve written in it less since having both of our children, but looking back on our dating life through its pages has been priceless.”
— Jacqueline, 36

Keep doing things for yourself

“I made sure that I got a degree before I moved for him (so that I’d have an education in case it didn’t work out)—and also tried to do things for myself and by myself or with friends to not only focus on the relationship and to have some fun. Of course, setting a date for me moving in with him also helped.”
—Olga, 37

Find something that connects you

“We met through an online game so, even when we were apart, we were frequently on the game together. We also made time to talk to each other at least once on most days. We both worked full-time, so it was just unrealistic to expect that we would have a long phone conversation daily but playing the online game together helped us stay connected.”
— Tiffany, 32

Reframe your situation to see the positive instead of the negative

“Every bit of time spent with him was an opportunity rather than the time not spent with him being missed. He is an excellent communicator so we had a lot of text conversations and phone conversations that revolved around just us being us rather than ‘when will I see you next?’ stuff. Basically, we were living in the moment rather than planning ahead, which is so counterintuitive for long distance!”
—Lauren, 35

Send each other photos and videos throughout the day

“We check in using FaceTime and send each other videos and pictures of our lives throughout the day. It’s helpful in making sure we are both still in each other’s lives. It does feel like being in a relationship with your phone sometimes, but it also makes your partner feel not so far away. That said, it’s still important to go out and make friends and have adventures that you can go back and tell your sweetie about. Live your lives and share them with each other.”
— Steph, 30

Make sure travel feels fair

“It’s crucial to ask yourself if one or both of you can really afford the money and time to travel frequently. Weekends away sound romantic but, if they’re ultimately going to be a strain, the trade off is not worth it. I was fortunate to have a boyfriend who had the means and the time to do a lot of the heavy lifting with the travel. My job was inflexible, so it couldn’t have worked without his freedom.”
—Gwen, 38

Keep a standing date

“When my boyfriend and I were long distance for four years, every day around the same time, we would have lunch ‘together’ over FaceTime. Having that kind of regularity made it feel like more of an ‘active”’relationship. To combat loneliness, planning was effective (e.g. a weekend coming up or summer break plans). The excitement of planning time together and the anticipation of seeing each other distracted us from how much we missed each other.”
—Casey, 25

Touch base and say “I love you” at least once a day

“My husband and I have carried on a long distance marriage several times during our 20+ years together. At one point, I was commuting from Alberta to Florida spending up to six weeks apart at a time. I find the single most important thing we do to keep our relationship intact is to maintain frequent communication. We touch base several times a day at least. At first we’d talk by telephone, and now we also text and sometimes video chat. We don’t talk long or write long messages. Lots of times we just say, ‘I love you’ with appropriately cute emojis. I will note that this is almost all my husband’s idea. Initially, I thought it was a real pain in the butt. However, I was married previously and we also carried on a long distance marriage at different times. While it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges, in the first marriage, we would go a day or two without touching base. Looking back, I think that contributed to a distancing in our relationship.”
—Skye, 51

Enjoy a Netflix Party together

“What really helped us is having a Netflix Party! This allows you to watch Netflix together and chat about it in the same window! We FaceTimed at the same time, and it seriously felt like we were hanging out the same way that we would be if we were in the same place.”
—Kim, 28

Figure out what’s important to each of you to feel connected

“We figured out what was important to each of us and what each of us needed to feel connected. Since everyone is different, it’s important that we didn’t just assume that the other wanted to text or FaceTime. We had a discussion about what activities would help us feel good and strong about the relationship. The communication that we had built up during our six months in a long distance relationship helped us move in together with less of the typical conflict. We’re happily married and co-own a business together now!”
—Rachel, 30

Don’t forget an endgame for the relationship

“You don’t have to figure it out right away, but eventually you need to figure out an end game. If the plan is to be together in the same place, you need to have conversations and develop a plan. Wishing and hoping don’t work!”
—Abby, 32